Spendthrifts, barflys, n’er-do-wells, and beautiful losers are unanimous in their praise for this Saturday’s Winter Carnival hosted by the Steam Donkeys at the Sportsmen’s Tavern. The event will include traditional snowball fights, a King of the Mountain contest on an icy snowbank, a donut-spinning challenge in the Tops parking lot with separate divisions for front and rear-wheel drive vehicles, and a freestyle pogeying competition with extra points awarded for dragging behind a cop car. Festivities begin at 9pm.
The event was conceived by the Steam Donkeys—a Buffalo-based music act and global think tank—who just wanted to put some old fashioned fun back into the winter season.
“Renting a pair of ice skates and pretending you’re Hans Brinker on the faux canals at Canalside is all well and good,” says Steam Donkeys spokesperson and front man Buck Quigley. “But when I was growing up, winter activities were more spontaneous and challenging. It takes considerable skill to grab onto the bumper of a police cruiser, unnoticed, and maintain that aerodynamic tuck while sliding along on your boots. Couple that with the aerobic workout you’d get running through backyards and hopping fences when the cops discovered you—there’s nothing quite like it today.”
Local business leaders, wealthy philanthropists, elected officials and all of their appointed staffs voiced their strong opposition to the event.
“I don’t know where to begin,” said an influential mover and shaker, on condition of anonymity. “When you think of the massive amounts of public money that have gone into all the infrastructure at Canalside, not to mention the sweetheart deals that have been given out to connected vendors—you quickly realize the place is too big to fail. I don’t care if people are down there pedaling ice bikes through the slush. And I don’t care if they get frostbite weathering the freezing spray from the lake. They need to come and smile and talk about Buffalo’s renaissance. It’s important they continue to come by the thousands. The future of Buffalo depends on it. And here, we have this loose cannon Quigley urging otherwise rational people to loiter on street corners waiting to go—what does he call it? Pogoing?”
“The term is pogeying, which is essentially the same thing as skitchin,” Quigley retorted, “which my esteemed critic would know if he hadn’t been forced to spend his childhood winters packed off to a boarding school near St. Moritz because his parents found him to be an overbearing blabbermouth.”
The Steam Donkeys Winter Carnival at Sportsmen’s Tavern will also feature a performance drawing from the band’s vast catalog, plus several choice covers, sprinkled with lots of their trademark wise-cracking stage banter. Carnival admission is only $3. Participants are responsible for any legal issues they may incur before, during and after the event.