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Buffalo Ruse: Mayor Welcomes Gas Pro

From the Buffalo Ruse, where every day is April Fool’s Day:

Mayor Saves Local Landmark; Welcomes Gas Pro To Statler Building

Published: March 31st, 2010

Mini-mart Giant Reportedly Thrilled To “Probably” Be Coming To Historic Downtown Location.

By Hardy Astrom

Mayor Byron Brown proudly presented the Key to the City to a representative from Gas Pro at a news conference yesterday.  Making an announcement at the doors of the moth-balled Statler Hotel, the Mayor proudly addressed a handful of reporters with a promise of hope.

“This is not only the Key to the City of Buffalo,” he said as he handed an over-sized golden key to Gas Pro representative Ron Churchill.  “In many ways it is the key to the future of the City of Buffalo.”  Mr. Churchill declined to take the microphone from the Mayor, but was heard saying “Thanks a lot” as he accepted the key.

The Mayor’s announcement was not what many in the press had anticipated.

In calling the conference, Brown indicated that he had “a major announcement which will change the economic and employment landscape of the City.”  When pressed by reporters on the importance he’s given to what is essentially a small commercial enterprise, Brown responded with enthusiasm.  “Many people in this area don’t have appropriate access to basics like gasoline and jerky.  Many city residents have fled to the suburbs where spicy hot peanuts and slushy drinks are found on every street corner.  We have been left in this city with mostly drug dealers and people who have questionable hygiene.”  Brown motioned to several people waiting at a bus stop nearby.  “We now have a street corner that will, in essence, be exactly like Clarence, New York.  Jump on the bandwagon folks, it’s headed downtown.”

Gas Pro, a small chain with 23 outlets in three states, touts itself as the largest mini-mart in the country.  “We actually call it a maxi-mart.” said Gas Pro Vice President of Operations Rocco Distillo in a phone interview.  “We’re too big to be ‘mini’ and too free of vegetable matter to be considered a ‘market.’  So we’re a maxi-mart.”

Distillo said he too was surprised by “the intensity” of the Mayor’s press conference.  “I’m going to be as clear here as I was with the Mayor: we’re not buying the Statler Building,” said Distillo.   “No one would, and we told the Mayor as much when we expressed interest in selling things like Sun Chips and Webkinz in your city.  We’re just renting part of the lobby and putting gas pumps in that circle you have there.”  Distillo was referring of course to Buffalo’s historic Niagara Square, which encircles the McKinley Monument and is situated directly in front of City Hall.

The Buffalo Ruse questioned the Mayor on this development late last night, after he returned from his out-of-state headquarters in Raleigh, North Carolina.  “To my knowledge there will be very little done to the square that will change its landmark status,” said the Mayor.  “Traffic flow will not be compromised because of the circular nature of the square.”

Brown said that Gas Pro’s fuel pumps will be located around the perimeter of the circle, and parking for the ‘maxi-mart’ will be available in a soon-to-be erected parking ramp.  The location of the ramp has not yet been determined, though Brown noted that “some downtown buildings will be asked to leave.”

Neither Distillo nor the Mayor was able to give a time line or completion date for the project.

“Gas Pro is already part of the local landscape,” Brown said.  “Almost literally, it’s here.  They researched a home for their next neighborhood store and they chose Buffalo, New York.  We look to have the paperwork finalized in the next little while, and to break ground no later than on an agreed-upon date that will be worked out in the not-too-distant future.”

Distillo was equally committal.  “We’re still drawing things up and doing some fact checking.  This isn’t something we rush into.  But I wouldn’t go knocking Buffalo buildings down any time soon, either.”

If you like that, check out Frank Brutus’s piece on the mayor’s new contest: “Where’s Byron?”


The Ruse of the Day: Bass Pro to Build New Peace Bridge

The Buffalo Ruse’s international crossing correspondent, Hardy Astrom, breaks the news on a new plan for the new Peace Bridge:

The City of Buffalo has announced that it has obtained an agreement in principle with Bass Pro to construct a new bridge replacing the outdated Peace Bridge.  Bass Pro officials, who have yet to break ground on a superstore at the site of the recently deconstructed Memorial Auditorium, are excited about the prospect of building a signature bridge.

Mark Cornwall, spokesman for Bass Pro, made the announcement Tuesday.  “We’re pleased to announce a letter of intent indicating our probable intention to build ‘Bass Pro’s Ugly Stik Spinning Rod Bridge’.”   The bridge, named for Bass Pro’s top selling ultra lite fishing rod, has yet to be designed.

Mayor Byron Brown, speaking from his International Bridge Resource Center in Raleigh, North Carolina, expressed his excitement, and welcomed the outdoor giant’s fresh ideas.

“We have decided to dismiss all of the previous designs for structures that might have someday joined Canada and the U.S.” he said in a telephone interview.  “In our dealings with Bass Pro, we have come to expect great expectations.  And the City expects to anticipate a great plan that Buffalo and Fort Erie can look forward to expecting to enjoy looking ahead to in the years to come.”

Opponents to the joint business enterprise between the City and Bass Pro needed only to reflect on the lack of progress with the pair’s first unfinished venture.

“Unstarted, actually,” commented Dominic Fragale, founder of ‘ResponsAccounailiTy”, or RAT, a local political watchdog group.  “At our most recent organizational meeting, which was called in response to this announcement, we spent the first 45 minutes in silence.  A group of over 150 activists were literally speechless, if you can believe that.”  Fragale added that his group would begin organizing protests immediately, perhaps even beating Bass Pro to the punch.  “One suggestion was to see if we could build our own bridge before Bass Pro gets started.  We could probably build it using the bodies of citizens who have died since Bass Pro first promised us a store.”

Mayor Brown strongly disagrees with Fragale’s group.  “Logistically speaking I have serious doubts as to whether Buffalo based corpses would make for a structurally sound bridge.  I’m no expert, but just considering decomposition….I mean….I don’t think that would work at all.  Though if Bass Pro presented us with a carcass signature bridge I would certainly sign on. In the context of Bass Pro at the helm of a dead body bridge, I find it rather exciting”


Buffalo Ruse: Andrew Rudnick’s Compromising Pics

8d58eb81ea22afeeaacd74b3a9fcdcdcThe Buffalo Ruse’s Ronn Chesmonde has dug up compromising photos of Buffalo Niagara Partnership president and CEO Andrew Rudnick:

A potentially embarrassing photograph of Buffalo-Niagara Partnership Chairman Andrew Rudnick has been printed in the Buffalo gossip and mercenary magazine “Whoops!”

The photo, deemed “original and unaltered” by a forensic photojournalist retained by The Buffalo Ruse,  appears to show the powerful Buffalo Niagara entrepreneurial leader in a compromising position with the Monroe County Business Region on the premises of a bar located in Rochester.

In the picture, Rudnick is shown trying to help an apparently tipsy and disheveled-appearing Monroe Region into the back seat of his tan Chevrolet Cracker.

Adding to the potential embarrassment and controversy surrounding the publication of the picture is the fact that Rudnick does not appear to be wearing his wedding ring in the photo.

Read the rest here.


The Buffalo Ruse Reports…

In the past week’s Buffalo Ruse:

Bass Pro to City: “What the Hell Did You Do?”

City “totally forgot” retailers request to leave Memorial Auditorium standing.

By Hardy Astrom

aud11Bass Pro and City of Buffalo officials were equally stunned on Friday when Bass Pro construction crews arrived at 140 Main Street with blueprints in-hand, ready to renovate Buffalo’s beloved Memorial Auditorium.  They came expecting a hero’s welcome.  Instead, they were greeted with a scene of mass destruction.

In what Mayor Brown’s office is calling a “minor oversight with somewhat larger implications,” the City approved the demolition of the Aud, even though Bass Pro had full intentions of using the beloved structure as a home for their retail outlet.

Rocco Distillo, a spokesman for Bass Pro, was dumbfounded.  “The last conversation we had with the Mayor’s office was to confirm a start date on the re-do,” said Distillo.  “Today’s the day, our crew is here to work.  But it looks like the City hired Al-Qaeda to do this job instead.”

“We just don’t have anything in common anymore”

Hardy Astrom

In a move that only some would find surprising, two thriving areas within city limits have asked to leave. Citing differences in, “economic trends, urban planning, political philosophy, and opinion”, Elmwood Village and Hertel Avenue (between Delaware and Parkside) filed to withdraw from the City of Buffalo. Kathleen Stiffler, spokeswoman for ‘Elmwoodtopia’, explained why the group she represents would like to move on.

“It’s not that we think we’re better than the city of Buffalo. We believe in Buffalo and its potential, and we are grateful for its rich history. We just think the City of Buffalo is less good than we are in several key areas.”

According to research presented by Stiffler, those key areas include economic viability, cultural depth, social outreach, cleanliness, racial tolerance, the coffee experience, commercial diversity, small business development, religious harmony, summer babe hotness, and “everything else”.


Eight Days a Week

The Buffalo Ruse is always leading the discussion. This week: ChillDay, the compromise between Phil Rumore of the Buffalo Teachers Federation and Buffalo Schools Superintendent James Williams on the start of the next school year.


Jesus, I’m Dead

I thought I was just hung over.

But Newell Nussbaumer has done me in. The Buffalo Ruse has the story:

Buffalo’s Nussbaumer Charged In Killing Spree, Vandalism

Published: February 6th, 2009

By Frank Brutus

Buffalo native Newell Nussbaumer was apprehended in Los Angeles yesterday after he and his dog, Censor, went on a cross-country killing and vandalism spree that authorities are calling “one of the most violent and cold-blooded attempts to undermine every major newspaper in America” that they have ever seen.

The founder and editor of BuffaloRising.com, a hard-hitting online newsmagazine that features unbiased restaurant reviews and stories written by reporters who ask the tough questions, Nussbaumer was observed by LAPD officer Frank Poncharello placing stickers on Los Angeles Times newspaper boxes that said “Why Waste Your $ On The LA Times When You Can Get All Of Your Real News For Free At BuffaloRising.com?”  Witnesses say that when Poncharello asked Nussbaumer what he was doing, the haggard-looking assailant pulled out a Magnum .357 and pointed it at the officer, shouting, “I’m saving the world from bad journalism!”  Before Nussbaumer had time to fire his gun, Poncharello’s partner, 32-year LAPD veteran Theo Kojak, wrestled the suspect violently to the ground and subdued him.

Officers responding to the scene were horrified to discover 7 dead bodies stuffed into the trunk of Nussbaumer’s Chevrolet Cracker.  Six of the victims were managing editors of prominent U.S. newspapers and the seventh body was identified as Geoffrey Kelly, a contributor to a little-known weekly alternative newspaper in Buffalo called ArtVoice.  Also recovered were thousands of BuffaloRising.com stickers that police say Nussbaumer planned to affix to “every paper box from New York to San Francisco” in hopes of increasing the web traffic to his hard-hitting on-line news site that Nussbaumer had claimed receives “over 1 million hits per day” in literature distributed to his advertisers.

The family of slain New York Times managing editor Jill Abramson, one of the first of Nussbaumer’s victims, issued a statement calling Nussbaumer “a coward who, because he couldn’t stand well-written and concise articles that competed with his own skewed world-view, has stolen our beloved Jill from us and from the rest of the world.”

As of late this morning, authorities in Los Angeles were still trying to determine why Buffalo native Kelly was included as a target on Nussbaumer’s list of prominent American editors.

Buffalo Rising has apologized for its short-lived campaign to discourage folks from reading Artvoice (see post below).


The Ruse News

The Buffalo Ruse has breaking news related to the Syaed Ali affair, in which Mayor Byron Brown apparently sicced Buffalo Police on a young man suspected of circulating obnoxious emails about Brown:

Mayor receives ‘male enhancement’ email from unknown person, requests search warrant for every Buffalo resident.


Not Quite the News

First can the Buffalo Ruse. (Top story today: Byron Brown establishes Buffalo’s “Snow Fighting Command Center” in Raleigh, North Carolina.)

Now say hello ot the Buffalo Huckleberry. (Top story today: NFTA to acquire hybrid buses, genetically modified to have “the head of a giant fish and the ass end of a zebra.”)




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