In the past week’s Buffalo Ruse:

Bass Pro to City: “What the Hell Did You Do?”

City “totally forgot” retailers request to leave Memorial Auditorium standing.

By Hardy Astrom

Bass Pro and City of Buffalo officials were equally stunned on Friday when Bass Pro construction crews arrived at 140 Main Street with blueprints in-hand, ready to renovate Buffalo’s beloved Memorial Auditorium.  They came expecting a hero’s welcome.  Instead, they were greeted with a scene of mass destruction.

In what Mayor Brown’s office is calling a “minor oversight with somewhat larger implications,” the City approved the demolition of the Aud, even though Bass Pro had full intentions of using the beloved structure as a home for their retail outlet.

Rocco Distillo, a spokesman for Bass Pro, was dumbfounded.  “The last conversation we had with the Mayor’s office was to confirm a start date on the re-do,” said Distillo.  “Today’s the day, our crew is here to work.  But it looks like the City hired Al-Qaeda to do this job instead.”

Elmwood Village, Hertel Avenue Attempt to Secede From City of Buffalo

“We just don’t have anything in common anymore”

Hardy Astrom

In a move that only some would find surprising, two thriving areas within city limits have asked to leave. Citing differences in, “economic trends, urban planning, political philosophy, and opinion”, Elmwood Village and Hertel Avenue (between Delaware and Parkside) filed to withdraw from the City of Buffalo. Kathleen Stiffler, spokeswoman for ‘Elmwoodtopia’, explained why the group she represents would like to move on.

“It’s not that we think we’re better than the city of Buffalo. We believe in Buffalo and its potential, and we are grateful for its rich history. We just think the City of Buffalo is less good than we are in several key areas.”

According to research presented by Stiffler, those key areas include economic viability, cultural depth, social outreach, cleanliness, racial tolerance, the coffee experience, commercial diversity, small business development, religious harmony, summer babe hotness, and “everything else”.

So you think Buffalo has a hard time figuring out what to do with its waterfront, do ya? Mad that we can’t just build a signature bridge, huh? Madder still that we can’t just knock the Skyway bridge down? Furious with obstructionists who don’t want a Bass Pro Shop? Livid about the ice boom? And don’t even get you started about all the blind, misguided fools who can’t see that a huge casino downtown will turn our city around?

Yes, my friend, you do in fact have all the answers. If only you were in charge, by God, some things would get done.

Take Buffalo Rising founder Newell Nussbaumer. There’s a guy who gets behind a cause. The passive beach down on the waterfront would never have been there without his commitment. But Newell knows the wisdom of that old Bob Dylan song:

Time passes slowly up here in the mountains,
We sit beside bridges and walk beside fountains,
Catch the wild fishes that float through the stream,
Time passes slowly when you’re lost in a dream.

In fact, the waterfront has been a hot topic for at least sixty years, as evidenced by this award given to Rose Marie Vilardo, a 1949 student of Grover Cleveland High School who addressed the timeless question: “What About our Waterfront?” Check out who the President of the Buffalo and Erie County Planning Association was in 1949.

Now, Newell, I must ask you the tough question: Are you a vampire?