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Steam Donkeys and Irving Klaws Offer Solution to American Health Care Crisis

Saying the current American health care system is a problem that is “too stupid to fix,” the Steam Donkeys—a Buffalo-based music act and global think tank—are calling for the implementation of the Americana Healthcare System, which they claim will “cure us of all that ails us.” They intend to reveal their ambitious new plan at an 8:30pm show with very special guests, local purveyors of the pervasonic, the Irving Klaws, on Saturday (11/16) at the Sportsmen’s Tavern Music Hall, 326 Amherst Street.

Bettie Page as a nurse. (Because, Irving Klaws.)

Bettie Page as a nurse. (Because, Irving Klaws.)

 “For too long, Americans have watched helplessly as pharmaceutical companies have taken over 90 percent of television airtime,” says Steam Donkeys front man and spokesperson Buck Quigley. “There is a pill, inhalant, or ointment for everything, and the commercials for these products contain legal disclaimers that warn of side effects ranging from dry mouth to death.”

The companies that make these products are some of the wealthiest in the world, but Quigley claims it didn’t used to be this way. “The world of medicine used to be much more laid back” he says.

“Once upon a time, you’d develop a little cough and rather than pussyfooting around with DayQuil and NyQuil, you could just pop in to see your local druggist who’d be more than happy to send you off with a little package of BAYER Heroin.”

BAYER H

Under the Americana Healthcare System, patients would be encouraged to try old-fashioned cures and treatments before asking their doctors if a certain patented medication would be right for them:

"Ask your doctor if hygienic whiskey is right for you."

“Ask your doctor if hygienic whiskey is right for you.”

 

Critics say what Quigley is proposing is reckless. “We haven’t worked hand in hand with the government, lawyers, insurance companies, and care givers these many years to successfully rig the market and over-medicate the population only to have that all taken away from us by some charlatan advocating an antiquated form of quackery,” said a top pharmaceutical company CEO, on condition of anonymity. “Especially since we have poured so many of our resources into developing increasingly sophisticated, cutting edge advertising strategies to market our intellectual property to the masses.”

“I listen to a comment like that, and I hear the words of a man who has taken too many Ambition Pills,” says Quigley.

For weak and nervous men.

For weak and nervous men.

Both bands will feature special guests at the event. The Irving Klaws have invited talented chanteuse Joelle Lambert from Flatbed to join in on some raucous covers of Wanda Jackson songs; while the Steam Donkeys will welcome back original member and fiddler extraordinaire Doug Moody for this one gig—along with new addition John Allen on alto sax.

The first 100 lackadaisical men through the door will be given prescriptions for Ambition Pills.

There will also be a very special, therapeutic ladies’ choice door prize:

la VIDA

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  • Scott Hobart

    Please send us ours today! – Rex Hobart & The Misery Boys

  • bsmith

    1 of each please with a sideorder of honkytonk. Easy on the ambition.