Steam Donkeys Enter Mayoral Race
by Buck Quigley - posted 12:19 pm, August 16, 2013
The race for mayor of Buffalo, NY is heating up now that the Steam Donkeys—a locally based musical act and global think tank—are throwing their collective hats into the ring. The band is holding two fundraisers this weekend, and all city and county employees are expected to attend if they want to hold on to their jobs.
The first event is a 6pm happy hour tonight (8/16) at Duke’s Bohemian Grove Bar (DBGB), 253 Allen Street.
The second fundraiser will be held at 9:30pm at the Sportsmen’s Tavern Music Hall, 326 Amherst Street, on Saturday night (8/17).
The Steam Donkeys made history last year when they became the first band to run for the office of President of the United States, citing the Citizens United case. They won that election everywhere but in the U.S.
“If corporations are people, then bands are people, too,” explains Steam Donkeys front man and spokesperson Buck Quigley. “And if bands are people, and a person can run for mayor, then a band should be able to run for mayor.”
A lawyer for the city—speaking on condition of anonymity—called Quigley’s legal premise “batshit crazy.”
“The proper term is ‘guano,'” Quigley replied. “See, that’s the problem with the current administration. They say very little, and when they do say something, it’s usually wrong. And by the way, I know which corporation counsel said that, and the first thing we intend to do when we win in November is fire her—unless, of course, she contributes to our fundraisers this weekend.”
County employees are not off the hook, Quigley insists: “The Steam Donkeys also intend to run for the office of District Attorney when it comes around again, and when we win that race too, you can bet we’ll be dismissing every underling who failed to contribute to both of these fundraisers.”
When questioned on the ethics of coercing money from public employees in order to fund the band’s campaign chest, Quigley seemed astonished.
“Are you kidding me? For many years I thought the best way to draw a crowd was through honing our act and advertising the shows. Recent stories in Artvoice have proven to me that a far more reliable way to get people through the door is through extortion. I’m looking at you, Mr. Seasonal Sanitation Worker. And you too, Ms. Assistant District Attorney. You don’t have to come to our fundraisers this weekend, but if you don’t, I suggest you familiarize yourself with this website.”