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Steam Donkeys See Vice as Key to New York’s Future

Steam Donkeys grainyA new report being released by local music act and global think tank the Steam Donkeys is said to support Governor Cuomo’s plan to allow more casinos and racinos in New York State. Speaking before an audience of children and adults-with-nothing-better-to-do-with-themselves at City Honors School yesterday morning, Cuomo intimated that he’d like to see three new casinos in upstate NY.

The Steam Donkeys report will be released publicly at a press conference scheduled for 9:30pm-12:30am this Saturday night (2/23) at the Sportsmen’s Tavern Music Hall.  It is said to advocate for more vice of all kinds, not just gambling.

“People seem to forget that during the heyday of the Erie Canal, the Buffalo waterfront accounted for one third of the violent crime in the entire nation,” says Steam Donkeys front man and spokesperson Buck Quigley. “There was out of control gambling, prostitution, drunkenness, drug-addiction, fighting, bestiality, murder and general mayhem—but the city was growing. Today it is shrinking. Why is that? Our findings suggest that complete and utter moral chaos is a necessary ingredient that’s too often left out of the economic equation.”

“I don’t even know where to begin,” said a high-level administrator at a local social services agency, on condition of anonymity. “Every day my staff and I work very hard to try to heal the wounds our society inflicts upon the most vulnerable among us. Gambling has ruined lives. To have someone like Quigley come out in support of everything that works to destroy the social fabric is irresponsible, if not criminal.”

“Criminal? Hardly.” Quigley answers. “There’s no law against me or anyone else advocating for sin and general degradation. Especially when it will lead to tens of thousands of good-paying jobs. All we are saying is that maybe it’s time we expand our notion of what a ‘job’ is. Did you know that the term ‘mugging’ was invented here in Buffalo? It was used to describe the art of clocking a vulnerable person over the head with a mug and robbing him in order to get money to buy more alcohol. These early ‘muggers’ were the entrepreneurs of their day. Today, mugging is considered a crime. That’s an illustration of how bad things have become. Someday your son or daughter may come up to you and say, ‘I’d like to be a mugger when I grow up.’ Are you going to tell them they can’t be that? No parent should be put in that position.”

While members of the religious community have also expressed some concern over some of the report’s findings, members of the business community want to hear more.

“Imagine if the Buffalo waterfront could once again become a hotbed of debauchery—embracing drunks, gamblers, hookers, thugs, pickpockets and opium fiends—imagine the synergy that could be created among what we now call the criminal class,” said one local aristocrat after several Bombay Sapphire martinis.  “For too long, these elements of society have been persecuted—when in fact they’re really a lot like us. Only with much, much less money. Besides, what do I care what they do down there? I live in a gated community, and my idea of the waterfront is the French Riviera.”

Preservationists also see possible benefits. “Many of our old, decaying buildings served as places of ill-repute at one time or another. Some areas have excellent bones to become thriving red light districts and shooting galleries once again,” said a noted local historian and urban planner.

“A lot of what we understand to be included in the Steam Donkeys’ report fits in with what we’ve been saying all along,” said a high-level prostitution lobbyist, off the record. “We need to be unshackled—otherwise, it’s a race to the bottom. Government should stay out of people’s bedrooms. It should also stay out of seedy motels, and stop peeking behind dumpsters in deserted alleyways.”

The report will be unveiled Saturday night at the Sportsmen’s Tavern, followed by a three-hour musical performance in place of the traditional question and answer period. The press is not invited to attend.