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Steam Donkeys Christmas Spectacular!

The stars are coming out Saturday night for the Steam Donkeys Christmas Spectacular. The Buffalo based original music act and global think tank has assembled a cavalcade of glamorous people for this once in a lifetime holiday extravaganza, which starts at 9:30pm Saturday (12/15) at the Sportsmen’s Tavern and Music Hall. (326 Amherst St., Buffalo)

“We had to juggle a few things so the Rockettes could make it,” says Steam Donkeys front man and spokesperson Buck Quigley, “It turns out they have a number of engagements at Radio City Music Hall during this holiday season. But our people are talking to their people, and the only remaining glitch is how they will perform their trademark high kicks in a crowded honky tonk.”

The band has been planning this event in secret for days now. Workers are putting the finishing touches on the enormous shark tank they plan to suspend from the ceiling above the dance floor. An assortment of great white, hammerhead, and tiger sharks are being starved in a secret location and will be released into the tank just before showtime. A bucket of blood will be added to the mix. Then, if all goes as expected, John Brady, the band’s drummer, will jump his Harley-Davidson over the frenzied fish during intermission.

One welder who has been working on the job has his doubts. “This tank is the size of a ranch-style house, and it’s built like a…well…a tank,” he explains. “I don’t see how they expect to move it, let alone fit it inside the club.”

Quigley is undeterred by such minutiae. “We’re in the entertainment business. We’re doing all we can to give our fans the Rockettes, plus a death-defying motorcycle stunt—all in the spirit of Christmas.”

Meanwhile, refrigeration experts are finishing work on the skating rink for the upstairs balcony. There, a performance of The Sound of Music—on Ice! will take place concurrent with the the band’s second set.

How will that work, exactly?

“Look. We know it’s a lot to fit into one evening. We could have settled for a ‘Christmas Special,’ but we want to put on a ‘Christmas Spectacular.’ There’s a difference,” Quigley says. “That’s why we invited Taylor Swift to open the show, and she was kind enough to agree.”

Pressed for details, Quigley clarifies: “Well, this isn’t the Taylor Swift. The young singer. No, this is Taylor Swift the great, great, great, great niece of 18th century Anglo-Irish satirist Jonathan Swift. She’s a scholar of her great, great, great, great uncle’s work, and she will be offering a 90-minute lecture on class struggle in pre-industrial age Britain. She’s a very sweet old lady. The crowd is going to love her.”