Artvoice: Buffalo's #1 Newsweekly
Home Blogs Web Features Calendar Listings Artvoice TV Real Estate Classifieds Contact

Tonawanda High Warriors Edged in Finale of T-NT Football at Clint Small Stadium

More than 100 years of high school football history came to an end tonight as the beloved Tonawanda High School Warriors were edged by the other team from some town across the Erie Canal. This was the last T-NT football game which will be played at the old Clint Small Stadium on Main Street, thus ending 103 years of use. The final score was 14 for THS to 17 for the other team and the game was competitive to the last play. As usual, the visitors suited up more than 250 “players”, necessitating the unusual use of three digit jersey numbers. The NT offensive and defensive lines featured several players in excess of eight feet tall and indeterminate weight (the scale at Binky’s Junk Yard is broken). These behemoths spoke a strange language which sophisticated computer analysis failed to identify as any earthly dialect spoken in the past 2000 years. In spite of being hopelessly outnumbered and outsized, the heroic Warriors nearly pulled this one off, thanks to a standout passing performance by THS quarterback, Clayton Hess. The visitors slim margin was due to two touchdowns produced by a suspiciously quick halfback named Nehemiah something-or-other. Really fans, ask yourself who names their kid Nehemiah? Although still a sophomore, this Nehemiah guy is rumored to be 27 years of age.

The halftime ceremonies included a last visit to the field by venerable THS alumni who have played there, as well as former cheerleaders and band members. This honorary gathering was accompanied by the singing of the Tonawanda Alma Mater, a lovely and inspiring ditty sung to the tune of “Hail to Thee Cornell”, and which is mercilessly drilled into the heads of graduating THS seniors as a requirement for receiving their diplomas. I was in counseling for years before I could stop this song from ringing in my ears.

On a personal note, my friend Leo Meyer and I were fortunate enough to intercept a group of visiting hooligans who were attempting to spoil the good and healthy fun by smuggling in a flask containing a foul smelling liquid thought to be alcoholic in nature. The nerve of these people! My 51 year old football letter sweater has developed a large moth hole in the back. Does anyone know where one can obtain maroon colored yarn?

For those unfamiliar with Tonawanda High, this universally cherished school is world renowned for producing the outstanding leaders of our country in every academic pursuit from law and medicine to philosophy and the sciences. THS students ARE the world leaders of tomorrow. While at Tonawanda High every student excels academically and athletically, without exception. THS kids have always spent all their non-school related time doing good works for the poor and the disadvantaged, along with a healthy amount of time devoted to Bible study.

In contrast to THS students the institution which regurgitates their opponents in the annual T-NT game are substantially all ne’er do wells who waste their youths in base debauchery of all stripes. Generally thought of as a pre-penitentiary, NTHS is the prep school for a life of crime and most graduates spend decades behind bars.   While still in school, popular extracurricular activities include construction and operation of meth labs and armed robberies of gas stations.

The evening following the T-NT football classic is traditionally known as the Ulf Samshin de Ouevre which translates literally to “The Night of Broken Eggs”.     Typically, local grocers report that no eggs remain on their shelves within a ten mile radius of Tonawanda.      Tomorrow morning, a somewhat unpleasant aroma will be discerned and numerous motor vehicles and quaint native dwellings will require unusual removal of detritus. 

  • jm44mitchell

    To the fool who composed this article  Nehemiah is a name from the bible maybe you should do some catching up with the lord , he was brought up in the church he attends more than once a week. He has more than devoted his time to bible study maybe you should join him.He was born in 1995 so do the math that would make him 17 not 27 he also has a last name which is Stone if you would read the tonawanda news you would have caught that. How dare you drag a young man through the mud for his talent.If you have T Sweater that is 50Years old Peter  than you must have played football with my father at THS  who is an alumni and on the wall of fame in the halls of THS  and takes great pride in his old school he went on to become a teacher and coach of many who to this day are greatful for all he instilled in them he under any circumstance would never bash a young man who has a future no matter what school he plays for. You my friend are a disgrace to the city of Tonawanda and I hope the Moths eat the rest of your sweater.

    • Dear anonymous “jm44mitchell”:    Not my problem if you cannot handle accurate, fair and balanced journalism.     Since you are obviously from north of the Canal, I invite you to try your hand at serious news reporting once you are released from prison.

      • jm44mitchell

         No sir I am not from north of the canal I live right here in the COT and my children attend THS that my friend is accurate.Who really cares where we come from?Does it really matter?As for serious News reporting where did you get your accurate information from?And this is the only “article of yours” I have ever read so you go ahead and continue to bash young children who clearly play better football better than you ever did as I have been told, and make your self feel better.As for the Prison thing that’s where people like you belong.Maybe you should take a shot of the booze you stole from the lumberjack last night it might do ya some good.
        There is my balanced journalism for ya.

  • To those of you from that dingy outpost north of the Erie Canal who have sent me death threats, I can only respond with the immortal words of President Bush the Second, “Bring it on, suckers!”

  • TrueDem

    I think it is beneath Artvoice to publish this. These are kids and the sarcasm is not appropriate 

  • Dear TrueDem:   What’s relly beneath the dignity of Artvoice is allowing gutless anonymous turkeys like you to post here.       Pawk, Pawk, Pawk, Pawk, Pawk………