Steam Donkeys Announce Candidacy, Campaign Dates
by Buck Quigley - posted 12:34 pm, September 14, 2012
In a move likely to be destined for the Supreme Court, the Steam Donkeys, a Buffalo, NY-based original music act and global think-tank, has announced its candidacy for President of the United States.
“If corporations are people, as ruled in the Citizen’s United case, then bands are people, too,” argues Steam Donkeys front-man and spokesperson Buck Quigley, “In fact, bands are a lot more like people than corporations are like people. And since bands are like people, and people can run for the highest office in the land, then why can’t a band be president?”
Skeptics call Quigley’s idea screwy, and un-American.
“Clearly, he has no background in the law. And, I’d be surprised if he passed American history class in middle school,” said a top-level administrator at a major energy company, under condition of anonymity. “If that were the case, don’t you think we here at BP would have run for president? It’s impossible. You would not believe how much money we threw at legal teams, trying to figure out a way that British Petroleum could run for President of the United States. It ain’t happening. At least not until we can get a few more cases through the Supreme Court. But this November, forget it.”
Quigley doesn’t buy it.
“BP is just jealous because they didn’t think of it first,” he says. “And I’d like to respond and make one thing perfectly clear to the American people: Buck Quigley DID pass American history, in a public school—as did every member of the Steam Donkeys. But since my critic was not even born in this country—but in England—he probably doesn’t even know what I mean by a public school.”
Undaunted, the Steam Donkeys officially kick off their campaign for the presidency on the Americana stage at the 10th annual Music is Art Festival, Saturday (9/15) at 6pm. From there, the band will board the express train that will take them the 1.3 miles to the Sportsmen’s Tavern, where they are holding a $3/head fundraiser beginning at 9:30pm. At the $50 level, guests can get an ice-cold bottle of Genny and a photograph with the band, in an effort to start a war chest.
When asked where the campaign would move from there, Quigley seemed confused.
“Nope. That’s it. Just these two events for the rest of September. The election is still like almost two months away, so we feel we have plenty of time to get our message out,” he said. “And frankly, we’re not even sure what our message is, yet. But what we intend to do as a candidate is just, like, I don’t know…create jobs and stuff…above all, we don’t want to let fact-checkers run our campaign.” He shivers, as if not believing the words about to come out of his mouth: “I guess we’re kinda like Mitt Romney that way.”
“But see, there’s four of us, and only one of him,” he smiles. “I bet we could take him.”