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Steam Donkeys Institute Issues First Report

Industry insiders, environmentalists, political operatives, corporate shills, home brewers, bicyclists and top level administrators in the New York State Honky Tonk Authority (NYSHTA), are calling a report issued by the newly formed Steam Donkeys Institute “a game changer” in the ongoing debate over event planning. The new report will be officially rolled out at the Steam Donkeys performance on Saturday (5/19, 9:30pm) at the Sportsmen’s Tavern.

The institute study—funded solely by the band with absolutely no influence from the entertainment industry—went through a rigorous peer review process late at the bar one night. “I’m pretty sure other people looked it over,” said Buck Quigley, front man for the Steam Donkeys. “I remember because I still have the napkin I sketched the graphs out on.”

Critics of the plan say the report is too one-sided. “It’s ridiculous that this ‘study’—if we can call it that—was funded by the band, and now it’s being rolled out to the press with all this hoopla,” said one anonymous skeptic, “but if you read the language in the report you quickly realize that the solution it offers to every problem is to book the Steam Donkeys for a gig.”

Quigley agrees it’s a surprising result, but stresses that the work was “guided by science.”

“Some were no brainers. The Steam Donkeys are an obvious choice to book at a hard core honky tonk like the Sportsmen’s—but when we crunched the numbers, it became apparent that the band was the best choice for birthdays, weddings, bar mitzvahs, block parties, festivals, mud bogs and fund raisers. In just about any situation where we found there was money to pay for entertainment, we also found that the Steam Donkeys would be the best band to collect that money,” Quigley explains, “And I think this report by the Steam Donkeys Institute proves that.”

The Steam Donkeys Institute was formed to serve as an unbiased public resource to help guide stakeholders through the difficult process of choosing entertainment for specific events.

The study also looks into the added benefits that could be realized through CD sales. “If everyone at the shows were to buy just one Steam Donkeys CD, it could create 200,000 good-paying jobs throughout the region. Two CDs would translate to 400,000 jobs, and so on,” Quigley adds.